I signed onto the blog a week ago to write what was on my mind. But I didn't know how. I was afraid I would come off as whiny, unsettled or dramatic. Well the last one may be a given at times, but then I remembered that this blog is here to document it all. ALL of it.
Our time to leave Singapore is quickly approaching. While there are definitely feelings of excitement and anticipation for the next chapter in our lives, I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that leaving also scares the hell out of me. The unknown is always scary and while we are no strangers to the unknown, it doesn't make going home all that much easier. We have built a life here. Leaving this life is scary.
Yes, I know we are going home to the familiar. I get that. But in some ways, it isn't familiar. That hasn't been our life for 2 years (by the time we get back). We have changed, you have changed and I'm scared that maybe we changed in different directions. I'm scared that I will miss our life in Singapore, I'm scared that having us home won't seem so cool after a month, I'm scared for the stresses that come with living in the states, and I'm scared to be scared.
There are people in my life who have a way of knowing when I need them. Will that still be there when I'm half way around the world? And will it still be there when I'm down the street? These are the uncertainties that float through my mind each day, every time someone asks, "Are you excited to go home?"
The answer is a definite YES. I can't wait to buy our 'forever home' and build our lives in Portland. I can't wait for Adam to have a career that motivates him, challenges him and that he loves. I can't wait to work less and play more. (Okay, I do play a lot here too). I can't wait to see our family & friends whenever we want. Being able to call them without worrying about time differences. Watching our boys play in a backyard. My car. Ella. Grocery shopping. Target. Chipotle. I could go on and on. YES I'm excited to go home, but in my head and my heart the YES is still coupled with a little bit of scared.
Along with that comes sadness. It's never easy to say goodbye. I have mentioned on this blog several times that friendships form fast here. Thank goodness or this expat life would be a lonely, lonely thing. I adore our friends here and know that without their kindness, generosity and amazing ability to make me laugh, our time here would not have been what it was. How do you say goodbye to people you may never see again? There's no way that will be fun.
On the flip side, (cue the dramatic...) I have ironically been quite homesick this week. I would have jumped on a plane just for 24 hours to hug the people I love. Recently I have felt the overwhelming need to sit with those I love most and just be.
The rational side of me understands that I will still have my Singapore friends in my life. Some I will see, some I won't, but thankfully for technology, they'll always be there. What I'm feeling is totally normal and not insane (even though I question myself sometimes), being scared of the unknown IS human and being sad to leave people you've come to love IS ALSO human.
Given all of that, I realize these emotions are part of the journey. We never said moving to Singapore would be easy. I certainly thought leaving Singapore would be easier. But the easy things in life aren't usually the ones that make life worth living.
xo
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